Image credit: Pinup Darling
Last week I bought a new dress.
It took me a long time to make up my mind to buy it. It’s not my usual thing. It’s red and fitted – no, downright snug – and cut alarmingly low in the front. It’s sophisticated and sexy. The fabric has just enough give that it’s comfortable, not confining, and I loved it from the moment I put it on.
Still I hesitated. I stared at myself in the mirror, turning to see myself from every angle. Every curve, every panty line. When I finally peeled it off, I forced myself to take a deep breath and bring it to the counter. Three days later I’m still wavering about whether I will have the guts to wear it when I get up on stage next month to speak in front of hundreds of people.
A friend accused me gently of having body image issues. I didn’t know how to respond without sounding defensive. The thing is, I don’t have body image issues. I like the way I look. I’m not perfect but I have killer legs from biking and plenty of honest curves elsewhere. I like the way this dress looks. It shows off the best parts of me. I look like Mad Men’s Joan Holloway in this dress. I feel absolutely fabulous in it.
I don’t have body image issues; I have confidence issues. This is a dress that says, “Look at me.” Eyes will be on me, and that’s scary. Not because of how I look, but because of how I’m afraid people will see me.
Poser.
She’s trying too hard.
What was she thinking?
What were they thinking?
Next month I’m going to be up on a stage reading a thing I wrote. A thing I’m pretty proud of. And I want people to know I’m proud of it. I want the woman at the center of it to elbow her neighbors and say, “Hey, that’s my wife up there” because she knows best of anyone how hard it is for me to put myself out there. It’s not my usual thing, this dress or this attitude.
A woman I met in the park one day asked me if I was a writer. She’d seen my yellow satchel printed with a Ray Bradbury quote about writing.
“I like to write,” I hedged. It was a cop-out, I admit, and one of my favorites. I use it all the time.
This dress won’t let me cop out.
This is not a dress for fading into the background. For self-deprecation. For claiming not to be a writer. When I’m making the rounds and talking to strangers, when they ask me what I do, what I’m all about, this dress won’t let me shrug and glance down at my feet and mumble something about luck and hobbies and I-dunno-really. People are going to ask about my blog. They’re going to expect things, whatever I’m wearing. I want to deliver.
I do have a backup dress. It’s lovely. It’s sweet and feminine and it makes me feel young and pretty. It doesn’t make me feel kick-ass fabulous, though. My new dress won’t let me defer. It won’t let me be mansplained to. This dress won’t let me second-guess myself. There’s no room for it – literally and figuratively. I mean, it’s so snug, where would I hide a first guess, let alone a second one?
All right. I bought the dress; now I just need to own it.
Christine Hanolsy 
You and the dress were fabulous together! I am just finding this post now, and I LOVED hearing the backstory of your decision to get this dress. Awesome!
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Wear the dress! I can’t wait to hear you read, hug you tight and celebrate with you that night.
I can’t wait to see you.
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Oh, I’m gonna wear it. I can’t wait!
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I can’t wait to meet you.
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Same here!!! 🙂
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PS. You are the only one thinking ‘poser.’ We all know you’re a committed writer.
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You are super sweet, Nate. It’s a matter of taking oneself seriously enough that other people take you seriously, too. It’s a high hurdle.
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They asked three writers to speak out of many, and one of those three is YOU. I don’t think you can hedge anymore on the writer question. No turning back. Wear the dress! Wear the dress! Wear the dress!
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Um. Five. :p
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I always buy stuff but never owned it. Loved the last line. Makes a lot of sense
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Thank you! I was worried it would be too silly. 🙂
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Sorry if this is posting twice, I was having tech problems. Anyway, OWN THAT DRESS!
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Sounds like imposter syndrome is really going around lately. OWN THAT DRESS!
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I’m sure you will own it. Just like you own this thing called writing. Go rock it. Rock everything! ❤
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You already do own it. And you are a kick-ass fabulous writer. So that dress is obviously meant for you.
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Whatever you do, Christine, do NOT under any circumstances, wear that back up dress. Be fabulous! You deserve it. You are a fabulous writer, so why not look like one, too? I’d love to see photos of your dress, though – you should have included one with your article. Now I feel cheated! 😦 But you go up there and strut your stuff, because you ARE amazing!
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Thanks, Cindy!! I thought about posting pics of the dress but I’ve only got one from inside the dressing room with the phone in my face. I’ll post a follow-up with a pic when I get a good one. 🙂
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Oh good! Keep me posted – I’d love to see it. And I’d love to hear about how your talk went because I’m sure it will be great! 🙂
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I think there will be a video, if I understand correctly. 🙂 I’ll post a link if/when that happens. Assuming I don’t fall flat on my face!
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Agh I love this so very much, and having seen photos of the dress, you need to wear it and own it like the rock star I know you to be!
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Ha! I will do my best. 🙂
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